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Name: Hans
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Member Since: 1/11/2006

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Sunday, October 25, 2009

side note.

epiKrew's "debut" came earlier than i thought. it was a success.

last night we won our first "dance battle"! though we did it under the guise of quest crew, we still beat the people who were under the guise of jbwkz.

my view might be biased, but the general consensus is we won.


just had a discussion with my dad about my future.

the discussion left me feeling unfulfilled...uncomfortable with the choices because there are so many.
my dream job is to be a teacher at a college level institution focusing on Chinese and English. Teaching chinese to english speakers or english to chinese speakers and to both classes throw in difference in culture. and on the side, work with administration to improve teaching, add international programs and establish relationships with schools internationally. so pretty much international education. i would do sociology major esl minor, then education and chinee for MA(there's a program at osu that my dad works for that does your study in MAbut in chinese). then either go on to PhD or find a job and pretty much do what i've been doing every summer. take care of student groups that come from international schools and arrange students to go oversea's and study. plan is to teach in china and work closely with american schools............this is really specific of an idea for a future job but it's something i enjoy. doing these summer programs with the wuhan university has allowed me to see how well suited i am for a position like this. if you have questions about this or it isn't clear, just ask me. i have a good idea of what it is i want to do, just probably can't put it into words

so with that in mind, i chose sociology as my new major. ever since i told my dad he was supportive but always questioning. we finally had a talk and he said i should do undergrad in engineering and a minor in humanities. then it is up to be to do whatever i want. either be an engineer or be a teacher with the responsibilities stated above. he said i can even elaborate so i don't just do language programs but also engineering programs. it really is a good idea and i will be a well rounded person. but do i really like engineering that much?
i chose engineering in the first place because i am suited for it. i work well with my hands, i have an engineers mindset. however, i'm more social than the average engineer. i interact well with people and can establish good networks. i'm more suited for international relations or teaching....thats the dilemma. i'm good in both fields....i just want to pick one and settle with it.

tl:dr -- i can either be an engineer or sociologist or both. my dream job is a teacher dealing internationally with students and schools. what should i do? i guess i'm just confused.......there are too many choices.

sigh.

edit: i think the feeling of being uncomfortable and unfulfilled stems from me finally having a clear idea of what i wanna do and how to do it. then having that world shattered and an overwhelming amount of choices put in front of me. it went from, the road less traveled to 50 roads less traveled.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

I have changed my major. i am going to do sociology for undergrad. education and chinese for masters. then we'll see from there. hoping to become an esl teacher or chinese teacher someday.

china trip 009 was absolutely amazing. visited friends i just met this summer and had a great time. everyday there was somethign new for me to do. one of the reasons i decided to change my major. i'm glad to know i have friends here and there. have been keeping in touch with them constantly so when i go back next year, we'll start up right where we left off

nothing really new for me. just school. still at cscc due to my change in major. school is getting better. don't really have work because they don't have any available times for me. i just pick up shifts every once in a while.

life.....it's tricky. things are just so bland. i wish it could be exciting everyday. i need to do more.

a lot more i wish to say. i just never know how to word it.


Saturday, July 04, 2009

life fucking sucks.

i wish we could all be straight with each other.  but we can't.  

i have things i wanna say, but i ain't gonna say it
things that are built up inside of me, but man, just fuck it
this pain is what drives me to be me, and allow me to express it
in a way that i normally can't, this anger inside, man its about to erupt it
like mt. helen i'll show you bitches how its done
spreading these lines the game is almost won
the pain and anguish is nothing to me but another sun
giving me superpowers like superman, i have become
the only one that can save this world, gods will be done
rumplestilksons took away her only son,
if only she would have guessed his name was nothing but a pun
imma tear this life apart, don't worry about me fools
imma take after 2pac with his lyrics and sick beats too
just think about me like a modern day shakespeare,
giving people a place to escape the shitty life here
he wrote plays with words so exquisite people thought they were at the movies
we got movies in our time, but my words will bring nothing but truthy
when i hop up outta bed you can bet i turn my swag on
cause this life ain't worth shit, as long as i got my money right on
transcendentalism, pecisimism, peace in the middle east bull shit
you ain't gotta worry about anything but yourself man
the next generation can fend for themselves then
cause i got my own problems, and you can bet imma deal with them
i know i'm no jin, i can't free style no shit
but trust me, if you take off the gloves, one on one, you gonna wish you could spit
see, i ain't got nothing to live for no more, just these fucking words and verses
and all i see in life are these people, not friends or family, just pieces of turdess
even my family give me shit for things i been through
not to mention my so called friends don't back me up, true;
you can count on good samiritans cause i am one
seeing a sucka stuck on the road, you betcha imma help'em
making sure other peoples lives is a good one
well thats my job, thats why imma serve'em
see i don't care if you think these words, my words are harsh
cause me?  i take this pain and turn it into an art
my whole life has been wishing i was black,
not so i can have a 20' penis, its just so i can rap
to me its more than just scribbles on a paper
to me its more than just a way to get that paper
soulja boy, let me tell you something sincere
you got good beats but your hear just ain't there
see rapping is more than just boasting about where you came from
its about envisioning a life thats better than where you came from
rhythm and poetry is what the words R A P stand for
so imma put a beat to this, and show you where i came from
i ain't from the hoods, i'm a suburb homey
but you can bet i got problems worse than yours, wanna see?
i got the pressure to succeed like my enemies
they in school getting their doctorette while i bleed
i bleed the blood of my ancestors who sacrificed their life ta'
witness me and my blood getting a life we dreamed ta'
succeed, just the american dream, but i can't seem to see
what the point o' this is to be, to accumulate this wealth that was never meant to be
so what i do to escape this misery?  i write these lines of poetic verses to a beat
in order to please the only one who matters most, that's me.
i wish biggie could hear me, cause he'd agree
there are only so many words in the english language to describe my pain
so i try my best to show my anguish, but in vain
i use a meriam webster and fine the synonyms
to help convey the sorrpw that i feel in him
to think that god would've gave his life for a sack of shit like me
even you and you, you're just mud like thee
i can't rap about god, or his religious beliefs,
cause i'm human and human is only me.
i don't want the fame that comes from preaching his name
i just hope that everyone can hear my lips chapping while i do my thang
as i continue to rap about this worthless sap in vain
i realize that everyone will come to see how much this life causes us pain
the only way to "live life to the fullest" is to do what you wanted
and what i want is not fame or fortune, but for you to realize that this life ain't worth living
but seeing as we're stuck here living and breathing
you might as well make the best of it, short of reaping.
you reap what you sow, so what i sowed is love
but apparently all you can reap is the hate that comes from above
i ask myself what did i ever do?  but realize that it doens't matter what you do
theres no karma, no wrong or right, just what we define to be the strict and guiding light
so do what you please, as long as your happy
and realize that what makes you happy, will never please
those around you cause they just won't believe
that going against the norm, will make you free
these fucking societal rules, make me express myself in ways
that no one will ever see, just on my xanga page
and i doubt anyone will ever read whats on this page
cause the only way i'd put it up, is if no one ever reads this sage.
i'm too shy, too reserved and too asian
to ever show my true feelings, even if i hate them
even after years of this racism
i still say hello when they call me, chinky chong asian
and i have my parents to thank for not being violent,
even though all i wanna do is fucking punch a fool till he won't stop dying
shoot that ass up with a fourty four while i'm driving
so i can climb up the ladder and keep on striving
for a better life that can be bought from materialism
this money, these clothes have got me in a prison
i only care about the next things i buy
the hats, the shoes, the the belts a lie
i learned from my father to bottle up my anger
so here i am bottling it up and letting it go on random strangers
cause i gotta save face and not show it to my neighbours
so what i gotta do?  just leave it bottled up, till i burst open and don't give a mother fuck.
if i were to show one of my neighbours, well that'll embarrass my family
and trust me i'll be disowned quicker than you can say mike connelly
i know that my parents love me so they taught me their chinese ways
but think about this, when did the chinese ever show their pain?
at the most unoppurtune moments i saw the rage
in the history books, june 6th at the tian an men square page?
kids, young adultes, barely 20 of age!
how many students got shot cause they were frustrated with
the socialism, communism, that made them so useless
and to think this is after centuries of imperialistic rule from emperors no older than i was
when i first began to realize how brutal this life was
and thats when i began to idealize a life that i thought would become reality
when a black person running for president would win, against a white man with a salary
to think that such a feat would happen in my time, 
after being made fun of because my eyes were never wide
i'm glad i have a place where i can show my fear
fear of this life and even shed a tear
cause when i think about life i just want a beer
the only way to get through this, is if i'm not even there..................


Friday, July 03, 2009

I don't hear any music I somehow
In the background still hear a melody
Whenever I leave work and trek the streets of NYC I step to a beat
Syncopated with the drips of the rain, like the kick of an 808.  
these rhythmic addictions tic tic is this how i live my day to day
we pacing the same ol' pace
we move fast but get no place
we chase ways to make a living that won't make our living forsake our daydreams

i sometimes have all these thoughts going through my head.  i don't know how to put them into words.  they make me sigh.
i wish my life were a movie.  i love movies, they're so simple.  even the bad ones.  theres a beginning, a middle and an end.  in the middle there is a conflict, but in 2 hours, that conflict is solved, and everyone lives happily ever after.  
even if they don't live happily ever after, the problem is at least solved.  
or at least the problem is identified.  hahahaha, i guess thats a big problem, i don't actually know what the problem is!  :P

learning and listening, pounding my feet to the beat till my soles start blistering
working hard so my lyrics flow with a pace just like the bass within my soul
the words they just come like a typhoon and boom, i'm gone into the abyss, my mind amiss
i'm lost in a place and with the darkness of a cave, is it my imagination or did something just slither through my configuration
within poetic verses i can see the future thats in store i wanna see more
the choices that i make, and the path that i take, will it lead me to the happy ending, i wait
its all depending, upon me, you see, life isn't as simple as a movie, theres no plot to follow 
and no predetermined ending, its an endless journey for me where you decide your own destiny
and as fate would have it, i'm tired and breathless, looking back to see a road left restless
just like paper, my future is blank, i must take a leap of faith like walking the plank
as this pen races across my page, i feel it dissipate, my rage
the inner struggle of me, trying to be me, and trying to be free
to redefine a person is to be, who i am, is me
putting emotions into words, and feelings into verses
i try to make sense of this mad world.



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